REPUBLICAN LOBBYIST John Cleese
WHITE HOUSE CABINET MEMBER Michael Palin
A Republican lobbyist enters a White House cabinet member's office.
Republican Lobbyist: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The cabinet member does not respond.)
Republican Lobbyist: 'Ello, Miss?
Cabinet Member: What do you mean "miss"?
RL: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
CM: We're closin' for lunch.
RL: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about the election what was conducted in this country not 3 months ago.
CM: Oh yes, the, uh, the Donald Trump Victory ... What's, uh ... What's wrong with it?
RL: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's lost, that's what's wrong with it!
CM: No, no, there's uh, ... election fraud.
RL: Look, matey, I know a defeated candidate when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
CM: No no he's not a loser, he's, he's been cheated! Remarkable man, Donald Trump, idn'e, ay? Beautiful plumage!
RL: The plumage don't enter into it. E’ lost.
CM: Nononono, no, no! 'E's been cheated!
RL: All right then, if he's been cheated, We'll look at the evidence! (Pulls out a stack of legal judgments) 'Ello, legal investigations! I’ve got a second term in here if you ... (cabinet member jams a few of computer printouts into the stack of legal filings)
CM: Look! There, evidence of fraud!
RL: No, this isn't. This is a bunch of retweets of the president’s lies!
CM: He never!!
RL: Yes, he does!
CM: he never, never lied about anything ...
RL: (Puts printouts aside. Increasingly frantic paging through the briefings) No voter fraud! No voter fraud! No election tampering! No voter fraud! No evidence of error! Triple checked election results! No voting irregularities! No evidence of misconduct! No reason to question the election results!
(Throws legal briefs up in the air and watches them drift to the floor.)
RL: Now that's what I call a lost election.
CM: No, no.....No, it's rushed!
RL: RUSHED?!?
CM: Yeah! They’re rushing the election process, just as we’re finding all this evidence of corruption! Election corruption’s easy to hide, major.
RL: Um ... now look ... now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. This election is definitely lost, and when Fox News called the election for Biden on November 7th, you assured me that this total lack of victory was due to his bein’ the people’s president and the mainstream media hating him.
CM: Well, they let too many citizens vote in this election.
RL: TOO MANY CITIZENS VOTED?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, If we’re accusing them of rushing the election, why did Trump declare victory before all the votes were counted?
CM: President Trump likes declaring victory! Remarkable man, Trump. Lovely plumage!
RL: Look, I took the liberty of examining these election results and fraud accusations, and I discovered the only reason anyone thinks Donald Trump won is LIES we told in the first place.
(pause)
CM: Well, o'course we lied about some things, If we hadn't lied, he couldn’t have declared victory. Donald Trump likes declaring victory.
RL: "VICTORY"?!? Mate, he couldn’t win if you changed 11,780 votes in Georgia! 'E's bleedin' lost!
CM: No no! 'E's wining!
RL: 'E's not winin'! 'E's whinin'! 'E's lost! This campaign is no more! 'E didn’t get the votes! 'E's “Lost to the worst democratic presidential candidate ever”! There's no evidence of fraud! 'E's found 2, count them 2, dead people who voted! This election is 'istory! If we weren’t constantly squealing how fraudulent this election was, the country would be prepared for th’ peaceful transition of power they’ve had for the last 44 presidents! 'E's off his twig! 'E's done abusing his executive privilege!! HE IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!!
(pause)
CM: Well, we'd better replace him, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Presidents.
RL: I see. I see, I get the picture.
CM: (pause) I got a congress.
(pause)
RL: Can it make abortion illegal?
CM: Yes.
RL: Right, I’ll take it!
This sketch is released to the public domain. I've done all I can with it. If you can do more with it, feel free.
